First off, I want to apologize for how long its taken me to get back to you! I’ve been busy with the end of school, and feel terrible for leaving you in the dark for this long.
You are in a VERY challenging spot. If I understand correctly, you feel like if you try to recover again, ED will return and become stronger? Please try not to worry- his reaction from ED is normal. Because you are not satisfying that voice in your head, it makes sense that it will try everything it can to gain control again. When I tried recovery for the first time last year, it took a few months (and by a few months, I mean almost an entire year) to realize that my declining body image was a result of the ED voices, not because of the actual weight gain. I hope this makes sense :)
Also, remember that you will never be 100% ready to recover. There will always be things going on in your life that will make recovery difficult, whether it’s school, work, friends, or any other pressures.
YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!! YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIVING!! Please don’t give up- anytime you need someone to talk to, I’m here :) and I promise I’ll get back to you quicker!!